MAYOR NAUTILUST DISMISSES SEX-WITH-PLANTS CHARGES AS ‘POPPYCOCK’
By John Ward: Mayor Norris Nautilust today put the leaders of the Burntfridge investigation to the sword, issuing an edict forbidding ‘any future invention of ridiculous sexual deviations that might ensnare harmless gardeners who employ child labour’. He added that the vitally important City traders in Mendacium justifiably feel they are above the law, but only a pervert would want to stick his cock in a poppy, and as there are no perverts at all anywhere in Mendacium, it was only right to ban the spreading of false rumours.
Late flash: Mayor Nautilust is to sue the German Government for bomb damage to Grade I & II listed Mendacium buildings relating to the period 1940-41, only seven of which once belonged to his family.
“DON’T GO HUNGRY, EAT YOUR CHILDREN” ADVISES LEADING PEERESS
Conservative Peer for the Knightsbridge region Lady Penelope Farquit-Branede’ath offered practical help for the remaining serfs still allowed to live in Mendacium yesterday,when she suggested that putting another child into the broth was the best way to survive a colder than average winter with energy prices rising even though the Duke of Westminster Lord Camerlot has pledged that there will be no rises most of the time among 2 out of 3 privatised Energy Kitchens being set up in Bermondsey from May 26th 2014 onwards until August 29th.
“One of the realities such people must expect” she opined, “is that poor levels of contraception must lead to gradual starvation, and thus one must eat the product of over-eager loins”. Minister in the Lords without Mercy Baroness Frunt-Botham of Bupa agreed, adding that she was about to launch a new book Honey I cooked the kids in association with Cruella Awesome.
BANKSTER WHO MURDERED 37 NEIGHBOURS IN RED-MIST RAGE ORDERED TO SET ASIDE 2013 BONUS
Sir Sweeney Hampton-Slicke, Chairman of taxpayer-owned bank Slime Ball Royalties (SBR) is to lose his entire 2013 bonus of £3.2bn following a trial at the Old Trafford Courts in which he was found guilty of the unpremeditated manslaughter of 37 neighbours who had disturbed his Sunday afternoon nap during a Garden Party.Lord Justice Sockson, passing sentence, said Sir Sweeney had until now been a gentleman of unimpeachable behaviour with little or no history of violence. “But in a regrettable moment of weakness,” said the Judge, “he took hold of a Kalashnikov lying about in his study and, his finger having become stuck, killed 37 not entirely innocent people when he had probably only intended to liquidate at most ten of them”.
Justice Sockson accepted that the sentence was harsh, but pointed out that the defendant had, in mitigation, threatened to leave for a job at Goldman Sachs unless he was allowed to retain his liberty.
Spinal Tap Gets Go-Ahead As Presidential Bladder Threatens To Breach London Flood Barrier
NOBSORE REJECTS SPENDING TAP IN FAVOUR OF SPINAL TAP
By John Ward: Mendacium tax collector Sheriff Gideon of Nobsore today gave the go ahead for Bank of Mendacium Governor Mark Carnuck to carry on purchasing hundreds of billions of Pounds worth of Tartan Paint bonds from the banks, under the Government’s Banker Bonus Spending Tap Scheme. But he pledged that the continuing attempt to save fourpence on other areas of City State spending would instead involve a spinal tap for hardworking families everywhere.“My proposal,” he told Mendacium Porkers (MPs), ” is that all citizens should be placed in a left (or right) lateral position with their neck bent in full flexion and knees bent in full flexion up to their chest, approximating a faetal position as much as possible, while sitting on a stool with head and shoulders bent forward. Then my Right Honourable friend Mr E.R. Bunkum-Spliff will administer a yardbrush anally under minimal anaesthetic”.
“Whether we be givers or receivers of the yardbrush” he added, “we are all in this together”.
PRESIDENT OSAMA “WILL NOT USE TOILET DURING MENDACIUM VISIT”
Washington medical security agents have warned US President Mubarak Osama not to piss at all during his two day visit to Mendacium next week. White House insiders told the Chronicle that the risks of infection by doing so were too great. “For Chrissakes,” Osama hard-man Tab Collar told correspondents, “These folks in Mendacium, they recycle their own piss and drink it, right? We don’t see this as sound evidence of good hygiene, and so the President has been advised to hang on in there because everyone knows that in these Third World places, like, there are weird little wormey things that can swim up your wee-wee stream and eat you alive from the inside out I mean like awesome.”
But Mr Collar dismissed as “mischievous” suggestions that Osamacare was really only concerned with the welfare of Mubarak Osama. “The juxtaposition of the two names is purely coincidental,” he said, “We were going to call it Scare, but it didn’t research too well”.
MAYOR CLOSES MENDACIUM FLOOD BARRIER, SAYS IS “WASTE OF POLICE RESOURCES”
Fresh from wrestling an IQ test this morning on Mendacium Radio, Mayor Nautilust announced at lunchtime that the City State’s flood barrier is to close. “My team members have looked closely at an analysis of it’s usage over the last ten years,” he told the Chronicle, “and we really don’t think it’s washing its face”.
Dismissing reports of 140 mph winds already battering much of northern England and Scotland and about to move south, Nautilust added, “Look here, in over a decade now it hasn’t brought a single flood to Court or indeed sent any water-based criminality to jail. And all these left wing scare tactics are merely Ed Balls’s pathetic attempts to make me look bad after his risible mauling at the hands of the Sheriff of Nobsore earlier today.”But over in the Westminster region, Prime Minister Lord Camerlot told us that he’d “asked Environment Secretary Owen Paterson to chair a Cobra this morning to ensure everything is being done”. Mr Patercake said the entire event was something of a bite in the bum, but that flood culls were in good working order, and his department would be monitoring sea levels and issuing warnings.
He asked for the public to try and understand that he could not as just one man with a miniscule budget of £216m substantively make any difference to outcomes as such: but as for the high flood waters as a whole, the Environment Secretary did suggest that he thought the “somewhat irregular” taxi emissions data issued by consultants Yeo & Johnson Ptnrs might well have something to do with it.