13 Sep 2015

Dame Valkyrie Hornwrencher: ‘The UK National Sperm Bank’

femifist: Lady All-Kneel welcomes Dame Valkyrie Hornwrencher, Head of Britain’s new National Sperm Bank, who is bringing a badly-needed feminist perspective to the previously male-dominated process of sperm donation.
When I was asked to create a National Sperm Bank for Britain, I marvelled at the wisdom of my recruiters. Who better than a woman to understand the many concerns that men have about donating sperm? I thought. And my feminine intuition immediately told me there were several huge challenges to overcome;
Sperm is traditionally hard to obtain, and the procedure involved is most unpleasant for a man. The current natural process of egg fertilisation is also inefficient and inappropriate in an age where women have busy, overworked lives. This state of affairs has resulted in a mere 3 billion pregnancies over the last 7 years. Clearly, there was a substantial need to spend taxpayer’s money improving this process.
So I set about creating an imaginative and eye-catching campaign to recruit sperm donors. As a woman, I know that men love competitions, so I employed slogans that would appeal to this instinct, such as Most men have pathetic sperm. Let us publicly grade yours and Are you man enough to donate?

We will decide”. At the same time, I tirelessly toured the chat shows, sometimes even paying for my own meals, to point out how men would only need to attend the clinic one hundred times over a three year period, and how they would receive a generous payment totalling £15 for their trouble.

My next challenge was to find a suitable site for our clinic. After giving the matter much thought, I decided to establish it at the centre of Britain’s largest women’s hospital, Birmingham Harridans.
Harridans is located centrally and is easy to reach. However, as a woman, I am well aware of men’s silly reluctance to ask for directions. Only last week, I had to correct my chauffeur after he took a wrong turning and tried to drive us both into a brick wall at high speed! So I made sure to place very obvious signs on all the roads to the clinic.
For example, on the slip road of the A85819 I erected a big sign saying “Only masturbators exit at this junction.” When potential donors arrive at Harridans they are met with a huge flashing neon sign declaring “This way to make your sperm donation” right next to the hundreds of women in the main waiting room.
Not even a man could miss that, Dame Valkyrie, I thought, as the workmen shook their heads in admiration.

But just to make sure, I have recruited a series of “Sperm Cowgirls” whose remit is lurk inside the main entrance and approach any man they see, asking him loudly “Are you here to masturbate in a pot?” I had to instruct the girls most definitely on this point – as a woman, I know that men prefer clear, definite instructions. I tell my girls “Ladies, we must roar like lionesses if we are to make it in a man’s world. Our voices must be heard!”
Once corralled, volunteers are led to the selection rooms to be carefully checked for any non-Aryan features. After all the gingers and blacks and Jews have been weeded out, potential donors are sensitively persuaded – in that special way that only a woman can – to sign a form acknowledging their full responsibility in perpetuity for anything we choose to do with their sperm. It’s a process that only a woman’s infallible nurturing instincts could bring into being, and I feel a touching sense of ownership to see my ladies going about their work with gusto.
I have also used my feminine intuition in designing the donation rooms. Men love to demonstrate their prowess to women and – realising that we had a ready-made female audience in the nearby waiting room – I synergised these factors, positioning the donation rooms directly facing the waiting room. Any concerns the donors might have about data protection are instantly assuaged by the soundproof clear glass panels dividing the two.
And I hope you don’t think me immodest if I say that the results of my measures over our first year have been astonishing. I think it is important for us women struggling to get by in this male-dominated world to trumpet our achievements. It encourages the go-getting female leaders of the future.

So I am proud to announce that we have managed to recruit a magnificent nine donors this year. Warm congratulations are due all round, from the Sperm Cowgirls to my hard-working deputy, Germaine Sneer, who tirelessly gives up her valuable time despite serving on thirteen other non-governmental equality bodies. When seen in terms of our £22 million yearly budget, this means each donor has cost the taxpayer a mere £2.44 million, which I think represents excellent value for money.
I would also like to thank Lady All-Kneel for her encouragement throughout our difficult first year. With more and more fearless feminists like her in positions of power, it is only a matter of time before the patriarchy is dismantled and we move forward into a world governed by the uniquely feminist values of fairness and equality.
This will of course involve the systematic eradication of all but a small number of men, who will be maintained in a comatose state as sperm donors.
I like to think I have made a small “contribution” of my own to this process!


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