Parenting, Children And Pets

Commentary by mom4dads: Mr. Sotomayor wonders why is it that so many black women refuse birth control methods. The same question could very well apply to women of all races, in that part of the world in which women have access to an incredibly huge range of options when it comes to birth control methods, as opposed to men. The women Mr. Sotomayor talks about decide to have numerous babies, no matter who the father is, no matter how “ready”/interested these women are in becoming mothers in the first place and no matter if they have the means to financially support the child (who ends up being raised in a poor, dangerous neighbourhood, often neglected by the mom who is single and only relies on child support from the dad or the state.).

This video reminded me of an article I have recently read, according to which bad parenting choices are due to bad policies and therefore mothers should not be judged because the bad choices they make are not their fault and can be explained by the fact that they are not as privileged as other moms. (Never accepting responsibility for our own choices, not being able to be “judged” and to live with the consequences of our actions while at the same time blaming everything and everybody but ourselves is typical of the culture of victimhood in which we live.)

I’m a middle-class mom who has absentmindedly sent my kids to school without lunch and missed deadlines for permission slips. And, like low-income parents who struggle to pay for diapers, there are aspects of motherhood that I wasn’t prepared for, either.
And yet, no one has ever accused me of being a bad mother. Money covered my many shortcomings.
Contrast that with the moms who rely on diaper banks to keep their babies clean, dry and healthy. Most child-care centers require a family to provide a supply of disposable diapers. Families who can’t afford them can’t get child care, which means the parents can’t work. And so parents are branded as lazy and unmotivated, and are accused of exploiting the system. Kids from low-income homes miss school because their parents can’t afford detergent to clean their uniforms, or because they need to babysit younger siblings while their parents apply for jobs. If you don’t send your kids to school, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad parent – it often means you have only bad options.

This article in turn reminded me of another article, in which the female writer said that she was shocked when she found out that she loved her baby and loved being a mother, since she grew up believing that having a baby is the most terrible experience in the world.
I find that the topic of parenting and children is usually discussed in a very inefficient way, because the people who address it irrationally rely on feelings and morals. “Having children is selfish” and “Not having children is selfish” are two sides of the same coin.
“Contrary to popular media narratives and the critiques of those concerned about the continued supremacy of the white race, women who don’t have children are not selfish, emotionally stunted or inadequately grown-up. In fact, they’re the opposite: they’re women with the self-knowledge and maturity to buck enormous social pressure and choose a life that’s right for them.”
There are pros and cons to having a child, but when people talk about birth control, abortion, and reproductive rights, something is missing from the conversation, at least in my opinion. The parents do not own their child. That child never asked to be born. First it wasn’t and now it’s here and is going to have to go through life, face pain and death, all because of his/her parents. The parents, in my opinion, once they decide to keep the baby, have the responsibility to take care of it and make it so that that child has the best life possible: that person is there because of us, we need to try our best to offer him/her a good life, which means we need to provide care, education, attention and guidance. That’s not all: when we bring a person into this world, we’re also adding a new member to our society, someone who may potentially one day make mistakes, hurt somebody and even commit crimes. At least until our child is of age, we need to work hard to raise our child to be responsible for their actions and respect the law. That child is not ours, we do not possess it: we cannot permanently alter his/her body (genital mutilation) unless it’s for medical reasons. We need to make sure he/she grows strong and healthy, starting from their nutrition. Obese children, for instance, are a sign of poor parenting decisions. I’m not saying it’s easy: being a good parent is hard. But it’s not an atrocious experience either. It surely is very serious, like handling a weapon. If you want to play god, do it with care and do it responsibly. We cannot be sure we will do a great job, but we have the duty and responsibility to try.
The idea that the parent doesn’t own the child also leads to considering more “moral” issues such expectations and hopes: I personally think that as parents we cannot expect our children to behave the way we want them to, when they grow up. Those who say “I want my daughter to be gay” and those who say “I don’t want my daughter to be a lesbian“, whatever their reasons are, should be careful with their hopes. Our children’s sexual preferences, just like their political or religious ideas are theirs and theirs only. We can have hopes, for sure, especially considering how much we invest in raising our children, but in the end of the day our kids are their own selves.
For those who choose abortion: abortion is not a “mundane” activity, it is not like extracting a tooth. Again, your choices have created life where there was none and now, again, because of your choices, this life will have to be stopped. Other than morally, it’s a choice that affects the state and taxpayers who pay for it and the work of doctors and nurses who have to carry it out. It’s not just your body: it’s the baby’s body too, and the daddy’s.
Women have an even bigger responsibility in all of this, in my opinion: they are the ones who at the moment have full reproductive rights (from contraceptive methods to abortion, before and after conception) and they are the ones who physically carry the baby, so they have a bigger responsibility in making sure that they get pregnant at the best moment and with the most suitable person possible. They cannot expect to behave (stereotypically) like a man, being promiscuous without being on any form of birth control and then expect men to pay for their irresponsible choices and the children to suffer for their reckless behavior (whether they are born or whether they are denied the chance to be born). Men can help, though: while we wait for the male pill, they could try to be more careful with their choices. I think they should stop rewarding these women with their attention, no matter how attractive these women may be and avoid putting themselves and their potential children in danger. Both men and women should choose their partner carefully.  Children are not pets, we sometimes hear people say. But what is with this modern obsession with pets? They have replaced children in our lives but are still treated like objects, from how we feed them to how we force them to have unnatural behaviors and habits like keeping them in our office doing nothing all day, just because we like it. Why is it that we feel we can own other living beings?

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