By Michael Luciano: Monday is Ron Paul's 77th
birthday. The retiring Texas congressman has had a long career as
America's most ideologically consistent politician. Love him or hate
him, he always speaks his mind, and refuses to pander to the crowd. To
celebrate his birthday, here are 77 reasons why Ron Paul kicks ass.
1. He favors sound money.
2. He doesn't care what the legal driving age is.
3. He's a celebrity.
4. He crushes baseballs while wearing a retro Houston Astros uniform.
5. He's not afraid to call Rick Santorum a "fake" to his face.
6. He thumbs his nose at the establishment.
7. He's suave.
8. He's serious.
9. He enjoys a good laugh. Either that, or he just won the Showcase Showdown.
10. He's for peace, not war.
11. He served in the military, unlike most warmongering politicians.
12. He doesn't go to parties. The parties go to him.
13. He's the only septuagenarian who can pull off the backwards hat look.
14. He's in demand.
15. He's aloof.
16. He's not afraid to go it alone.
17. He's worthy of a South Park caricature.
18. He wants to end the Federal Reserve.
19. He cloned himself.
20. He's actually read the government's founding document.
21. He knows something you don't.
22. He actually read that report, too.
23. He's has the support of the country's soldiers.
24. He always has time for an autograph.
25. He knows the answer to your question before you even ask it.
26. He has no patience for Michele Bachmann.
27. He looks like Magneto, who's also a total badass.
28. He also looks like Neo from The Matrix.
29. He can't believe this shit right now.
30. He can explain.
31. He gets migranes from thinking too many brilliant thoughts at once.
32. He's glad to meet you.
33. He hangs with Vince Vaughn
34. He was one of the few sane GOP candidates for president.
35. He's a troublemaker.
36. He's a hit with the ladies.
37. He doesn't need no stinkin' helmet.
38. He's pissed.
39. He's about to go bust some heads.
40. He might be using a walkman.
41. He rocked serious sideburns in the 70s.
42. He engages in epic intellectual battles.
43. He's gregarious.
44. He's good with kids.
45. He lays down the law.
46. He fights for freedom.
47. He flashes gang signals.
48. He has magic libertarian powers.
49. He's willing to wait until someone hits him up top because somebody always does.
50. He holds court.
51. He's got big government by the balls.
52. He's outta here.
53. He knows Mitt Romney's a tool.
54. He's funny.
55. He's delivered thousands of babies.
56. He can actually list all the federal agencies he wants to cut, unlike Rick Perry.
57. He reaches across the aisle.
58. He's deep in thought.
59. He holds rallies in ski lodges.
60. He's respected.
61. He draws huge crowds.
62. He grills Ben Bernanke.
63. He's a straight-shooter.
64. He doesn't actually need makeup. He just thinks the artist is cute.
65. He wears sweaters from the Mr. Rogers Collection.
66. He works hard.
67. He can levitate metallic objects. (See No. 27)
68. He's always on the move.
69. He knows when people are lying to him.
70. He shared his wisdom with Ronald Reagan, but Reagan didn't listen.
71. He's affable.
72. He puts 'er there.
73. He brings down the house.
74. He throws balloons left-handed, even though he's a righty.
75. He also kicks them.
76. He's a boss.
77. He just might have another 77 years in him.
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