CAMERON CONFERENCE SPEECH: "Banksters doing god's work!" Sneak preview shakes media

David Cameron will explain this afternoon why the banksters are doing God’s work really. This exclusive excerpt sets out his vision for a Conservative Utopia.

The Slog: I’m sure most people would agree that I have my finger pretty firmly on the pulse of what ordinary people who are nothing like me think these days. You see, the one overriding thing we have in common is concern about money. It doesn’t matter whether you went to Eton or Bash Street School, money is always an issue: I want even more of mine and you wonder where yours went, so we have a mutual interest.
So today, I want to clear something up about money, and in particular why we must stop bashing banksters and get back to bashing the bishop. You see, banks get a lot of stick these days, and most of it isn’t deserved. We must never forget that banksters have played a central role in shaping our culture over the last 300 years – indeed, we wouldn’t be where we are today without banksters. We wouldn’t be turning corners in order to buy houses, or healing the economy by getting back to paying our way in the world. And if paying our way in the world means the deficit getting bigger, then this is a price we must pay for holding our heads up high and paying off debt. Only banksters have the money to help us do this successfully, and so we must support them in every possible way.

Ignore the jibes of all those nasaying socialists in our midst, and instead observe the evidence of the last sixty years. Only by doing this can you discern a consistent core to bankster thinking – thinking that can only be good for all of us. Bankstering since the early 1950s has developed in the following ten ways:

1. Not granting any overdrafts to personal customers under any circumstances, and sending any of those customers considered doubtful weekly letters warning of the dangers of borrowing. Not paying any interest at all on current accounts, but rather charging the customer money for taking their money at 0% interest. Being open from 10.00 until 11.30 four days a week.
2. Lending money to anyone wearing clothes, paying interest on current accounts, and paying for the cost of these innovations by over- and multiply-charging customers, alongside asking them to pay to get their money out of the bank.
3. Realising that these vital rules still weren’t raising enough money, and so (a) raising overdraft rates, but one day eventually much later or perhaps never raising saver rates and (b) inventing something called Investment Banking.
4. Expanding internationally to buy other banks, nationally by buying other types of financial institution, and locally moving into the property market by buying estate agencies. Losing money on every one of these. Putting up customer charges again. Starting to pay enormous salaries to people in the exciting new field of Investment Bankstering.
5. Merging with other banksters as former mutuals became plcs and market competition hotted up. Going online and closing thousands of branches while moving customer service offshore to Namibia. Hiring people from outside Namibia’s borders because the Namibians themselves were clearly too intelligent and spoke English. Getting really rather excited about Investment Bankstering, having discovered it is (literally) a licence to print money without ever it seemed having to pay anything for the privilege.
6. Having a business model. Paying enormous bonuses to staff busily engaged in manipulating rates to make money. Ignoring the retail customer whenever possible. Explaining to everyone else why Britain was being kept afloat by the bankers. Borrowing money on the wholesale markets. Swapping salami sandwiches with other banks to see if you could lumber them with more listeria than they could land on you. Adopting a business model assuming that wholesale money rates will never increase again.
7. Going to Downing Street and the White House to demand help with their imminent  insolvency issues or else they’d all relocate somewhere else. Being amazed that the politicians fell for it. Inventing the magic formula Too Big to Fail. Decimating the Treasury finances of almost the entire Anglo-Saxon world. Insisting they’d done nothing wrong. Continuing to pay enormous bonuses or else they’d relocate etc etc etc.
8. Suddenly rediscovering the retail customer, and rebranding them ‘depositors’ or ‘bondholders’. Reducing their interest rates to 0%. Defrauding SMEs. Resisting any and all attempts to reform the system or else they’d etc etc. Not lending any money to business at all. Claiming innocence as the world spiralled down into slump. Going bust, but replacing bailout with bailin. Telling customers they were being customers entirely at their own risk, and demanding the politicians back them up on this one or they’d you know what comes next.
9. Confiscating customer assets on the grounds of them being disgustingly rich.
10. Confiscating customer assets on the grounds of them being uneconomically poor.

As I said ten bullet points ago, you can see here the massive sacrifices the banksters have made – all of them driven by one consistent belief: it’s not really your money at all, it’s theirs. And over time, they have sacrificed almost all of it in the pursuit of more wealth for you and me and, to be fair, them. Indeed, they’ve spent so much of it doing this they’ve had to go back to the printers again and again to buy more of it.

That’s why they’re right about it being their money, not ours: they’re the only one’s who’ve paid to get it printed, so obviously it must be there.
You see, at the end of the day at the bottom line when fair’s fair and all eggs are back in one basket, the entire sum of money that exists in the world is really owned by the Banksters of England or the ECB or the Federal Reserve, and all the other central banks because they paid for it to be printed. And all the banksters in the nation report to the Central Banksters. They’re simply circulating the money the Big Banksters ordered to be printed, and loaning it out to employers, governments and so on.
So the conclusion is entirely logical: they simply want their money back. You may have thought the wonga you got from your mill-owning employer was yours if only because the Government took 30% of it and graciously left you 70% to spend on rent, local taxes, pizzas, massage parlours and so forth. But no, you were wrong.
You see, the Government taxed the money that isn’t really your money in the first place purely so it could quantitatively ease the banks of their huge burden – they having philanthropically bought all the toxic paper so you didn’t have to. But you having inconveniently taken the money distributed to the drivers of the economy and spent it to put petrol in the cars driving the economy, the Government had to take some of it back to address a short-term cash-flow problem at the banks. Don’t grumble – they only took three notes in ten. It was never your money anyway, and they collected it for the banks because – let’s be clear about this – the Government works for the banksters.
This is another reality you may not have understood until now. You may have thought the politicians work for you, but they don’t. I mean, it’s the banks’ money the Government spends, because other socialist politicians all ran up huge debts years ago. So the people running the Government used you as collateral to guarantee the loans they took from the banksters, and thus you work for the banks. Or more precisely, the banks own you. And they own everything you own too, because you bought it with money that was theirs, not yours.
Now that things have got very tricky around the world, the banks don’t have any money to lend to the Governments any more. In fact, they don’t even have any money for themselves I mean how unfair is that? and so, reluctantly, they need to ask for it back. All of it.
Which is why – and I’m not going to muddy the waters on this one – in the coming months and years, all your money –in benefits, savings, salaries and possessions – is going to be returned to the banksters, who will then use it to avoid going bust themselves. Only by doing this can your jobs be saved. You won’t be unemployed, but you won’t get paid any money. Now, that won’t affect your lifestyle because all money will be worthless long before then. Like the Jobless Recovery of yesteryear, next year we will have Moneyless Jobs. It will be a return to Full Employment, but without all the anxiety of having money. All taxes will come to an end because everything we want to do for you that will see us through will be free because you will be doing all of it for us for no salary.
In fact, all the money will disappear. There will be none in the financial institutions, the Treasuries, the economies, the tills, the credit cards, consumer pockets or piggy banks. We will finally have reached our goal: a world free of the root of all evil.
So you see, that’s why Lloyd Blankfein says that he is doing God’s work: he and his colleagues have been working tirelessly day and night in Courtrooms across the world in a bid to carry on destroying every last vestige of money on the planet. And when they’ve finished, the only things left in the world will be good and nice and suitable subjects for Walt Disney films.
I’m talking about all the things that we in the Conservative Party have always believed in: gold, power, Zil Lanes, deregulated obligatory euthanasia for socialists, very tall glass buildings, cocaine, and behaving like Royalty who, as we all know, never carry money because they never have to pay for anything.
None of us will ever have to pay for anything ever again. How wonderful that will be for all of us: I shall have anything I want absolutely free, and you won’t have anything to buy anyway. We will have banished the fear of unemployment, unpaid bills, rent, mortgage payments and school fees in a land where you and us will be separate but equal.
That’s why you should banish Ed Miliband and his fellow fluffies to the gutter of history, and vote for the Conservative Utopia. Thank you all, and a special thank you to Michael Fallon whose inspiration and armlock helped me to compose this Conference speech today.

Edited by WD

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