It had been building up all week — frustration over a lack of respect from my 5-year-old son — and I finally lost it. After dumping water out of the bath tub, I asked him not to do that anymore, sternly raising my voice on my last request. He looked me in the eyes, scooped up a cup of water, and dumped it out right on the floor. I was livid. I took him out and dried him off with a towel, and nearly ended the matter peacefully. But I was so mad at the deliberate disrespect, I bent him over my knee and slapped his bottom. Instantly I felt horrible. I violated our relationship… I had struck my son. I had done exactly what I hated and wanted to banish from our lives – violence as a threat in order to alter a person’s behavior.
I know that for parents who spank, this post letter will be irrelevant and viewed as completely unnecessary. However, for anyone desiring to practice non-violence and live a life where physical violence isn’t a normal means to an end, this message is for you. I messed up. I immediately apologized to my son and wife. It doesn’t matter that my son disrespected me; I should have never hit him. Especially knowing what I know about how physical punishment can literally alter the brain development of a child and how they view the world.
For anyone desiring to inspire change, the change always starts at home. For my wife and I, at the core of our lives is our children, and the strong desire to raise independent, responsible adults who respect other people’s property. Certainly, my family had a setback last week, because part of respecting other people is to not use violence to force your will upon others.
We live in a very violent world, with the police state recently killing a 12-year-old boy at a Cleveland park without a second of hesitation. Meanwhile, we all know about the man who was murdered for daring to sell tax-free cigarettes in New York. With all the violence surrounding us, and statist logic saying that people should be physically punished for not following the will of the majority, here is a short list of alternatives to spanking your child. It’s advice I will be following in my own household.
*Note: Like many of you, I was raised in a household that used spankings as a form of discipline, so the decision to not spank my own kids has left me to learn how to raise my children without this form of punishment. It sounds easy, but it’s not, since outside of watching a YouTube video or reading blogs from experts, I had no living example of this type of parenting.
1. Be Firm. Just as you would in a conversation with another adult or a heated discussion with a parent or spouse, be firm and kind. There is nothing wrong with being upset, just keep in mind you are dealing with a another human being, who is not and should not be dealing with commands. Focus on being kind yet firm.
2. Your Choice. What I should have told my son the other day is to either stop pouring water out, or get out of my bathtub. Put the ball back in their court, as it will be in the real world when they leave your home. It’s a good lesson in choices have consequences. Engage in a logical conversation with your child.
3. Responsibility. Instead of a spanking, another option I should have used was to offer up a lesson of responsibility. My son made a mess with the water, and I should have asked him to clean it up. If he refused, then that would have resulted in no more use of my tub, which he thoroughly enjoys since it’s large and has jets. Either way, he would have either learned to be responsible for his actions, or suffer the consequences due to my own ability to deny him the use of something that was mine.
4. Removal from the Situation. As a parent, you can decide to remove yourself from the situation in order to collect your thoughts and calm down. In my own case, when my son was throwing water out of the bath tub, I could have removed both of us by simply picking him up and taking him to the next room. There, he and I could have had a conversation. Something like “If you want to use my tub, don’t do that again. And before you go back in, you need to clean up this mess. It’s a matter of respect. Treat me how you want me to treat you.”
5. A Time-In. This is a phrase used by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Instead of a time-out, where the child is separated and alone, almost having to earn their way back into the good graces of the parent, a “time-in” is where the parent removes the child but stays with them, perhaps placing them on your lap or sitting next to you.
Many parents reading this may reason to themselves that spanking works, but keep in mind that spanking works only in the sense that the child is scared to get hit again. Spanking doesn’t teach them anything useful. Learning to cover up your mistakes by lying or to using violence when you want to get your point across is not a useful education.
Please consider the mental and emotional understanding your child will grow up with as he or she learns to win via voluntary cooperation with other people. The ability to negotiate, to be firm on important matters, and to be respectful are traits that your child will adopt, but those traits certainly won’t be learned by throwing adult temper tantrums and hitting small, defenseless relatives.
Signed a very regretful,
Daniel Ameduri aka The Dissident Dad
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