…iology
“You forgot to take your cholesterol medication over Christmas didn’t you Mr Pickles?”
By John Ward: The highest rates for marital violence,
murder and breakup occur in the West on Christmas Day evening, and
Boxing Day afternoon. So clearly you all need some amusement between the
mince pies, crackers and smart-arsed remarks from your brother-in-law.
Late football results:
West Bromwich Albumen 3 Yoke City 0.City’s central defender Chuck Kiegg sent off in 89th minute after a goalmouth scramble.
Wolverhampton Squanderers 0 Nottingham
Forest 0. This game was one of missed opportunities, and not being able
to see the woodwork for the trees.
“Maybe putting a cork in your anus wasn’t the solution to your gas problem after all”
The Ed Miller Band’s Christmas single was released this morning, only five weeks behind schedule. It’s called All I want for Christmas is a new Front Bench.
Even at Christmas, there was no rest for the Met’s Fernbridge team
Special Christmas Quiz. Below you can see the normal/average 24 hour
cycle of wifi service offered by most internet providers. Study it
carefully, and then then test your skills with the questions that
follow…
- Describe in your own words as opposed to an alien language your favourite and/or most successful method of creeping up on the router during the night-hours before it loses the signal.
- Does your router work when it is cloudy, raining, windy, a Thursday?
- Has your internet hardware ever given you within 70% of the advertised speed, and if the answer is yes please tell me where you live and whether property is affordable there.
- Do you ever get the feeling that important people’s internet works very fast indeed? Have you spoken to your doctor about it, and if so (a) did he think you needed medication or (b) did he answer, “Funny you should say that…”?
- When using internet on your mobile, HTF do you manage to see, read, type or access the content without constantly bumping into other people trying to do the same thing? Do you know how to make a phone-call on your mobile phone, or is it now an android that assumes you use esp and have an IQ of 207? Do you just sod it and use the bloody thing as a camera?
- Do you work in a corporate role, and thus employ 4,213 people to fix the laptop/tablet/phone/blackberry/android/isotope when it f**ks up? Do they ever blackmail, threaten or sneer at you and how often do you have murderous thoughts towards them?
Police said they wanted to interview three men seen leaving the scene on camels
I was listening to digital business radio
two days ago, when a male voice said that Christmas sales depended on
one St. O’Reilly, a disciple of whom I had never heard. It was a minute
or two later that I caught on to the fact he was chucking all his chips
on a Santa Rally. Everyone seems to have done this. Poor old Santa: it’s
not enough he has to dilate time and get round 4.7bn homes in 24
hours….now they want him to make neoliberalism work. It ain’t gonna
happen.
COURTIERS ALARMED AS MONARCH OVERCOME WITH EMOTION DURING QUEEN’S SPEECH
………………………………….
At last something within the real spirit of
Midwinter Solstice: the Catalonian regional government has approved a
decree that will see the economically vulnerable protected when they are
unable to pay for their gas and electricity during the winter months.
Between November and March, consumers who receive a cut-off notice will
have a period of 10 days to present a Social Security report confirming
they meet three basic requirements to activate a stay of execution.
It’s a shame we are reduced to finding such
sub-atomic mercies, but it’s better than nothing. However, if you’re
looking for something with more substance, try this:
Yes, Janine in Eastenders
is in fact trapped inside the body of Elvine Blobley from Memphis
Tennessee. But you can tell by the facial features that Janine’s a game
girl and gagging to get out. Elvine herself won’t be going out this
Christmas, because it takes a roof-crane hopper to move her. And yes, I
do recognise that might sound mean on Christmas Day, but this is one of
those cases where the unfortunate subject needs to stop analysing and
start stopping.
Talking of starters, ours is about to arrive on the table….
Bon Appetit!
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