“Wait until your father gets home… “
“Do you want me to use my belt?”
By The Dissident Dad: This is what I remember as a child when I was in trouble. My mother spanked me with a wooden spoon. My father used a thick leather belt. Some of you reading this may have similar memories.
A 2002 ABC News poll reported that by about a 2:1 margin, American parents spank their children. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Education, in Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Tennessee, Oklahoma, and Louisiana, school-sanctioned spanking is still widespread.
Hitting children is still normal. Most of us who were spanked may observe that we turned out fine, but the truth is we will never know. None of us have any idea how we might have turned out without any spankings – perhaps better, or perhaps worse.
What we do know today is that scientists can prove that physical violence in a child’s life by a parent can not only alter the brain in a traumatized way, but evidence also shows that the child will possess less gray matter in its brain development.
For example, a 2009 study showed children who were harshly spanked had less gray matter in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex.
This can lead to depression, addiction, mental health disorders, and lower IQ scores.
As such, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that a 2010 study linked spankings to children who were more aggressive. One can only wonder if George H. W. Bush beat the shit out of George W. Bush as a child.
Gray matter is essential for your brain’s ability to learn self-control. This, of course, is ironic, because most spankings are doled out for a lack of self-control shown by the child. But scientifically speaking, the more physical punishment given, the less self-control the child will have as they age.
To not spank our children, represented an unshackling of ourselves from both religious dogma and our own experiences, since both of us received this kind of punishment as children.
In the early days, we spanked our kids and I hated it. I love my children, but I honestly assumed I was doing the right thing. My own parents did it, and the advice to hit a child dates back to early Sunday school lessons taken right out of the Bible.
I felt that not spanking them would turn me into a weak, ineffective parent, and turn the kids into unruly brats. Politically, I almost felt like I may also be buying into some type of hysteria, like the war on terror. Like perhaps the anti-spanking people had some sort of ulterior agenda.
In the end, at the core of our decision not to spank was a desire to demonstrate consistency. If we expected the state not to employ preemptive aggression then neither should we as parents – even in my own home.
Last February, my wife and I sat our then 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son down and apologized to them for previously spanking them. We let them know it was wrong to use physical force, with the exception of self-defense. It felt great to release this burden, no longer hitting the very people I felt most passionately about. It meant being able to teach the children that physical aggression and violence is wrong and disrespectful, while not looking like hypocrites.
When I’m asked what I do for discipline, the concept is seems foreign to many, but in reality it should be quite obvious. I treat my children as I would treat any other person: with respect. I don’t do anything to them that I wouldn’t want someone doing to me. Thus:
•No physical violence
•No denial of food
•No imprisonment
I speak to them in the same manner my wife and I talk to each other, and it has had yielded spectacular results.
The biggest difference we’ve noticed in the past year or so is that my children rarely, if ever, hit one another. Prior to our decision not to spank, the children hit each other a few times a day while arguing. We’ve now gone months and months without anyone hitting the other. They still argue over things like toys occasionally, but what is amazing is that I hear them in their rooms trying to talk it out. I can hear my son making his case, and my daughter, who is only 3, expressing why she believes she is right. These kids, instead of attempting to solve problems with violence and physically harming another person when upset, are becoming master negotiators.
We’re raising children in a violent world, where theft and aggression by the state is accepted as normal , and every election is about which side gets to steal for a specific period of time with new regulations, taxes, and laws backed up by a militarized police and a prison state. I find it liberating that my property has become a freedom zone for my children, living daily life without the threat of violence. Plus, there’s a little extra gray matter in the brain to boot!
The biggest benefit, by far, is the parent-to-child relationship, built entirely on love and respect. As a libertarian father, I think this type of relationship and treatment of children will help show the clear line between acceptable human behavior (respect) and the unacceptable behavior coming from the oligarchs who currently run the world with violence and coercion.
– Daniel Ameduri aka The Dissident Dad
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