DEPRAVITY DISPOSAL SCANDAL: Tory Environment Minister in new sleaze row shocker

Publicsum…outright denial of bestial behaviour

Top Tory Owen orders ordures odours crackdown blitz

The Slog: UK Secretary of State for the Environment Owen Publicsum found himself embroiled in yet another row this morning, and had to “vehemently deny most vigorously” that Britain is at risk of massive pollution involved in the disposal of toxic political sleazebags.
Still sweating from the heat of a major badger backlash, Mr Publicsum promised a huge crackdown on the safety regulations surrounding dumping of sleazebags in the North Sea. “We have a zero-tolerance policy towards the accidental escape of corporeal decay agent HoC650,” he told a sub-committee of terrified legislators late last night. HoC650 is more commonly referred to as Dorian Gray Syndrome.

The Minister is already involved in a massive clear-up at his French house, where zero-tolerance of Department of Environment culling recommendations resulted in 43 badgers squatting on his roof. Over 7,300 antique tiles were thrown from Publicsum’s chateau, and an estimated 2,000 Moles dug hills on his lawn in sympathy. Adrian Mole carried a placard saying “It’ll be us next – Skwat the the Kull”. The protest has since spread to other EU wildlife. Italian leader Badger Grillo vowed to “claw open the disgusting sardine can of humanity until the world belongs to us” but later modified his demands to a global ban on badger-hair shaving brushes.
The subject of toxic Westminster Muckheap Disposal (WMDs) became a key political issue last week as 72 MPs from all Parties and both Houses were caught mugging National Lottery winner Doris Jobsworth as she tried to buy gold bullion at the back door of the Bank of England. This followed the disgrace of Tory Patrick ‘Lady Whiplash’ Mercer after he asked questions for cash, and then recruited freeloaders like Keith Vaz for a jolly in Fiji…..although last night Jeremy Hunt stressed that Mr Vaz “did nothing wrong and never at any time took money from Mr Rupert Murdoch in relation to the BSkyB damn I didn’t mean to say that”.
Today further political corruption came to light as Lord Laird, an Ulster Unionist peer and former MP, offered to arrange for Parliamentary questions to be asked in return for a fee of £2,000 a month, and still more accusations of paedophile corruption at local government level emerged. Wading into the debate on behalf of his career, Opposition Leader Ed Miliband told journalists, “Loof, what we hab here is an absholute moudtain of toshik waste, and the peoble of Bwiddun want reassurance about dishpozing uff it just as I want some comfort about how meddy of our lot are involffed before saying any more”.
“Let’s be clear about this,” said Prime Minister David Cameron as he left Winsome Green police station, “As George has been saying for over two years now, we’re all in this together and I have received Mr Publicsum’s personal assurance with both hands out in front of him uncrossed that he personally has not gained anything from the disposal of toxic politicians. And neither have I so watch it or I’ll set Ally on you.”
For several years now, staff inside Westminster Palace have complained about the strange smell of rotten flesh throughout the Houses of Parliament. At first this was thought to have been caused by drains blocked after Party Whips shredded 41.6 million expenses claims, but the odour is now “worse than ever” according to Commons maitre d’ Marco Polo-Mincini. “It seems particularly pungent at the lobbyists’ entrance,” he told Slog undercover reporters this morning, “and more than a bit whiffy whenever Labour councillors come here with envelopes for their MPs.”
Liberal Democrat spokesperson on Parliamentary Ethics Beryl Sheep said she was in favour of “simply chucking the buggers in the Thames”, but this earned a sharp rebuke from London Mayor Yaris Jonsonopoulus, who told MPs that “the danger of a scum inundation in doing such a foolhardy thing is a serious health threat that we couldn’t afford, not with Tim Yeo’s taxis belching out shit at the same time”. But he said this in ancient Greek and so nobody understood him.
Just before lunch today however, Owen Publicsum announced that the contract with G4Sleazebag Services of Dock Green had been terminated in favour of a new business startup, G5Stinkdrums, a company with many decades of experience in dumping bodies at sea, under motorway stanchions, in London Square litterbins and so forth.
On Newsnight later: Gavel Wrestler examines the evidence for never accusing Sir Alimillion McAvelli of anything ever again.

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