Jessica Valenti Is A Shitty Journalist Who Doesn’t Know How To Use Google

By Janet Bloomfield (aka JudgyBitch): Are feminist journalists in some kind of competition to display how shitty they are at finding basic information? After Jessica Valenti’s latest barftastic column at the Guardian, in which the simple act of a Google search would have shown her she’s dead wrong on some key facts, I’m beginning to think so. From the comically sourced UN report on cyber-violence to the UVA rape hoax, feminist journalists show us over and over again they can’t do basic, basic research, the kind of stuff most grade school kids can accomplish. Claim: there are no green apples
6 year old child: Googles “apples”, hits image tab, finds green apples
For fuck’s sake, Valenti! You don’t know how to use Google and are completely unfamiliar with what the word “images” means? Let’s take a look at what stupid and incompetent looks like, shall we? For science!

 Barbie has been an aerobics instructor, an astronaut, a rockstar and a doctor. Next up: feminist Barbie? Don’t hold your breath.

As opposed to GI Joe, the boy version of Barbie, of course. GI Joe has been as soldier, a soldier, a solider and a soldier! The diversity! It’s breathtaking!

Boys also have the option of being Superheroes (no aerobics instructor superheroes to date, sadly).

Or space explorers! I guess Worf leading moQbara classes might count as aerobics? Can’t find an action figure for that. But one could, oh, I don’t know, use one’s imagination?

Over the last few years, Mattel has shrewdly been giving their star doll a more feminist-friendly makeover – they’ve made Barbie a paleontologist, a computer engineer and presidential candidate. It makes sense – Barbie has long been the face of unrealistic beauty standards foisted on young girls, so playing up the blonde doll’s brainiac bonafides is necessary if parents are going to buy it for their daughters guilt-free.
Weird that parents buy action figures/dolls for their sons without guilt. Oh wait! That’s because male action figure never engage in unrealistic body standards!

Clarification, please, Jessica: boys don’t appear to be crippled with self-esteem or body dysmorphia issues based on the toys they play with. Is this because boys are inherently, intrinsically more rational and capable of understand the difference between fantasy and reality than girls are, or because the only girls who think they should like Barbie dolls are a select group of attention whores and pathetic, mewling, feminists?
And I must admit, their latest ad – a further attempt to convince consumers that Barbie is actually wonderful for young girls – does pull on the heartstrings.
The commercial opens up with college students filing into a lecture hall while words flash across the screen: what happens when girls are free to imagine they can be anything? The students, who appear to be filmed without their knowledge, are shocked and delighted when their teacher comes out and she is … a young girl. “Hello, my name is Gwyneth,” she says in an adorable lispy way, “and I will be your professor today.”

The same scenario is played out over and over – a little girl comes out in a veterinarian’s coat to check on a shocked grownups’s cat (“Have you ever seen him fly?”). Then a soccer coach, a museum tour guide and a businesswoman in an airport. The adults gamely play along, smiling at these girls’ indisputable cuteness.
At the end of the advertisement, though, we see that the young “professor” is not in fact in a classroom, but in her bedroom, pretending that her Barbie is teaching other dolls. Final words come across the screen: when a girl plays with Barbie, she imagines everything she can become.
The ad is kind of stupid, if you ask me. In what world is anyone prevented from imagining anything they want? I’ll be your professor? There are entire departments in universities that have only women professors, which is totally fine, but when a department is composed of only men, that’s sexist. Women’s studies? Lack of men not a problem. Physics? Lack of women a grave emergency that must be dealt with immediately! And women have dominated veterinary colleges for some time now!

Except fat, of course.
Okay, first of all, why would you want to buy your child a fat Barbie? Should we have a lung cancer Barbie, too, that comes with a pack of Lucky Strikes? A diabetes Barbie that comes with giant cups of soda and extra-large chocolate bars? But let’s assume you do want a fat Barbie. Let’s enter that search term into Google and hit images – oh my gosh, Mattel did make a fat Barbie!

 
Well, that took a whole two clicks to find, so we’ll cut Jessica some slack.
Or not white.
Uhm…..

Photographer Jeff O’Brien
Stylist Penelope Prattee

Mattel has been making Black Barbies since 1967, you moron!

You never had a Francie doll? Sounds like the Valenti household was pretty racist! No wonder Jessica is such a hateful bigot! Mattel makes lots of different dolls, Jessica, and a fucking Google search would have shown you that!
Filipino Barbies.

Mexican Barbies.

Japanese Barbies.

Indian Barbies.

Hispanic Barbies.

Photographer David Chickering
Stylist Jennifer Shaw

Chinese Barbies.
German Barbies.

Haha! Okay, The German Barbie is pretty white, but she is just adorable! Valenti blah blah blahs on for a bit, and then ends with this:
If my daughter asks me for a Barbie one day, I likely won’t deny her. She’ll be inundated with sexism her whole life, I can’t hide that from her – the best I can do is teach her to be a critical and skeptical thinker. Especially when it comes to toy companies using feminism to help their bottom line.
Alternatively, you can be proactive and go out and get her the wonderful diversity Mattel has to offer and let her imagine worlds where all women can wear sparkly ball gowns with cowboy boots and an astronaut’s helmet while vacuuming! Don’t buy the Rosie O’Donnell doll, though. That bitch is fat, and she won’t fit into any of the other dolls clothes. She’ll end up naked under the bed, forgotten almost instantly.
Yes, Jessica, you simple-minded fool – Barbies are the same size universally so they all fit the same clothes! Barbies made 50 years ago will fit into the Barbie clothing of today. They have the same size feet so they can all wear the same shoes and boots. Jesus, how do you not understand this very simple functionality of Barbie? Let’s hope Valenti’s daughter has slightly more brain power than her mother.
Oh, and Jess, your kid needs some masculine presence in her dollhouse, too. Ken is okay, but that smooth crotch is kind of weird. Get her a Batman! He has an appropriate bulge.

Let’s be realistic, amirite?
Lots of love,
JB

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